Domestic violence survivors’ tales shine at Redondo Beach vigil
Two candles in the night during Redondo Beach’s Ninth Annual Domestic Violence Candlelight Vigil. Photo courtesy Dawn Switzer
A giant painting of a purple memorial ribbon hung behind Amber as she stood up before more than 120 people Saturday night. She had lost her voice that day and spoke with little more than a croak. But by the time she finished, the already-respectful crowd was rapt with attention.
“I am not a statistic. I’m more than what happened to me, and I want my boys to know that they are more than what happened to them,” she declared. “The Redondo Beach Police Department intervened, and they’re the reason I’m here today.”
Amber was one of three domestic violence survivors who shared their story at Redondo Beach’s Ninth Annual Domestic Violence Candlelight Vigil. As with the other speakers, her last name was not shared with the public.
“We have amazing people who have gone through the process; sometimes it’s been years, but they’ve walked a long road, and they’re definitely thriving,” said Ericka Gonzales, coordinator for Redondo Beach Police Department’s Domestic Violence Victims Advocacy program, which is now in its 22nd year.
Volunteers for the Domestic Violence Victims Advocacy program respond to every Redondo Police call where domestic violence is suspected. According to City Prosecutor Melanie Chavira, there were 89 domestic violence assault calls within the last year, not including acts of vandalism or restraining order violations. According to Gonzales, her team had approximately 900 calls for service in the last year.
“We reach out to them for prevention and services before it turns into a domestic violence situation,” Gonzales said.
At the annual Candlelight Vigil, survivors return to share their stories of survival and triumph through situations where they faced physical, mental and emotional abuse by a spouse or partner.
“They do it with the hope that someone sitting in the audience is going to hear the message that yes, things happen but you can reach out to services and do what you need to do to save your life,” Gonzales said. “That’s their biggest hope — that something they say will reach out to someone in need.”
That’s why Amber decided to speak out.
Amber is South Bay born-and-bred, but at 19, she decided she wanted more. At 22, she moved across the country to join the United States Marine Corps, where she met her husband. Together, they had four children. They were both on active duty when the United States entered the Middle East post-9/11. Amber left the service to stay with the kids.
“But even before the war started, he would have passive-aggressive tendencies, and do things that were questionable,” Amber said. “A lot of that is overlooked in the military and brushed off.”
They talked about it, over and over: An incident would happen, he would apologize and promise he’d never do it again, and they would makeup — they didn’t want to break up the family. But it happened again and again, escalating in intensity, violence, and frequency.
“At one point, we were living in North Carolina. The kids would call the police, cops would pull him off, and as long as he agreed to leave, all was well. It was a small town and it was an open secret,” Amber said. “Everyone would tell me to leave…[but] I wasn’t going to leave without them.”
Emergency shelters either wouldn’t take her and all of their children, or only for two weeks at a time, and she was unable to take her kids across state lines.
One night, amid another incident, her husband had a moment of clarity.
“Something scared him, with how bad things were…it wasn’t how he wanted to be,” Amber recalled. He agreed, if she wanted to go, she could go back to the Beach Cities. Their kids decided to leave with her, in the middle of the school year, during the holidays. He agreed to stay in North Carolina. Amber and her kids came back to the South Bay in January 2009.
Her husband showed up on her doorstep three months later. He couldn’t live without her, he told her; he wasn’t going to let her go, so he swapped orders to end up at Camp Pendleton.
They tried again for a while, but he was more careful with his abuse. He threw things; he threw her; he learned how to harm without leaving visible marks, and he became aggressive with the kids. They became anxious, had trouble focusing, and became withdrawn.
“They were pretending to be sick, trying to make themselves throw up and get sent home,” Amber said. “They were worried what would happen to me while they were at school.”
By November 2009, Amber said she felt defeated. She was out of ideas and had given up hope. That’s when she learned of Redondo’s Domestic Violence Victim’s Advocacy program. “Without a doubt, that saved my life,” Amber said.
After meeting with lawyers and therapists, Amber learned that without evidence of physical abuse, she couldn’t leave her husband without risking joint custody. She began to plan for what she deemed eventualities; she planned out her funeral and set aside an envelope at the police department to be opened in the event of her death. It was filled with pictures, records and passwords, left behind to demonstrate a pattern.
Gonzales and the DVVA program stood by her side, maintaining regular contact. Together, they would meet with police officers and therapists, putting together plans and keeping in contact.
Then one of her boys fell at a family party, saying he hurt his shoulder. Her husband showed up while they were at the doctor’s office, asking reams of questions of the doctor, taking home a copy of the visit, all under the guise of being “supportive,” Amber said.
“I didn’t think anything of it, then the next day, I got a call from the counselor at the school,” Amber said.
The real reason her son was hurt, she learned, was because her husband pulled her son out of the car by his neck and threw him against a wall, in front of her nieces and nephews.
Then he turned and threatened them to not tell Amber. If she learned the real reason their son was hurt, she would “go back to looking like she did in North Carolina,” Amber said.
“The counselor asked if I knew about that, said she reported it to the other schools, and they had already talked to the cousins,” Amber said. Seven kids in three schools all had the same story. Child Protective Services was quickly notified.
In February 2010, RBPD and CPS came knocking at the door in the middle of the night, threatening to take the kids away, thinking Amber was protecting her husband. She produced a ream of documentation proving the opposite.
“They asked why I hadn’t left. I said, ‘If I had called you before, would you have given me and the kids a restraining order?’ they said ‘No,’” Amber recalled.
Finally, Amber and children were granted a permanent restraining order. For five years, they moved around, once to Washington, then to Arizona. He followed them, moving a few blocks away. A few years ago, she and the kids moved back home, to the Beach Cities — permanently.
“We feel safe for the first time in a very, very long time,” Amber said. Her kids are doing well; they’re in high school now, and they’re completely independent of her ex-husband.
Redondo’s Domestic Violence Victims Advocacy program saved her life, she said. It provided shoes, school supplies and clothes for her kids, and around Christmas, officers would show up with presents.
“I tried to get help for years before I found Ericka…she’s a shield. She went to every court date, and I’d be looked at like I was some disgruntled spouse,” Amber said. “They would see her and the whole mood would change; she’s a force to be reckoned with. There need to be more people like her.”
Gonzales isn’t the only advocate the department has on hand. Seventeen volunteers work with the Domestic Violence Victims Advocacy program, day and night, seven days a week. The program is accepting applications for more volunteers.
“I tell people, as long as you have an open heart and an open mind and a desire to help others, that’s all we need; skills, you can learn,” Gonzales said.
Gonzales credits the police department and City Prosecutor Melanie Chavira alongside the program’s network of partners, such as Beach Cities Health District, 1736 Family Crisis Center and Richstone Family Center for the program’s success.
“We used to say it takes a village to help a client, but really, it takes an army, because they have to go out and fight for our clients,” Gonzales said.
“I tried to get help for years…I worked with several other police departments, and [my ex-husband] would show up and cry, and they’d believe him, and it just got worse” Amber said. “This program saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them.”
If you or anyone you know needs help or information, contact the Redondo Beach’s Domestic Violence Victims Advocacy program at 310-379-2477, ext. 2336.