“Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie” one of the worst of all time

“Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie" opens March 2.

“Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie" opens March 2.

“Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie” – I deserve a billion dollars for sitting through it!

Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, cult writers, directors and performers of “Tom Goes to the Mayor” and “Tim and Eric Awesome Show – Great Job!” on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, as well as numerous short films made for HBO’s “Funny or Die,” are most definitely an acquired taste, sort of like the taste of milk past its expiration date or the slime on sliced turkey that sat open in the drawer for a couple of weeks. The very opening sequence announced that the film would be an extended Saturday Night Live sketch from one of those years when no one was funny, everyone was trying too hard and the entire writing staff had left for greener pastures. For a brief, all too brief, moment in time, I held out hope that it might rise to the level of “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (Part I, not II) or even “Wayne’s World” (again Part I, not II), both of which were hilarious in their lameness, often dipping to terrible lows only to rise again with promises of new heights. Nope. This was not to be.

The synopsis is brief (a blessing for the reader, not the viewer). Tim and Eric were given a billion dollars by the Schlaaang Corporation and produced a 15 minute stinker, having spent the money on, well, on nothing much but it’s all gone. Tommy Schlaaang wants his money back and will use whatever means necessary to get it back. Terrified of the consequences, Tim and Eric see a TV commercial by Damien Weeb, a real estate developer offering a billion dollars to anyone who can rehabilitate his failed shopping mall in the middle of nowhere; a scheme is born.

Traveling that slippery slope of endless poop and masturbation jokes (and believe me when I tell you they slide unceremoniously into a brown vat), there are far too many lows to mention. Suffice it to say that the humor is as non-existent as the story. Granted, if you are a fan of their 15 minute vignettes, there will probably be some laughs in there for you, but for the non-cognoscenti, it’s just one endless time check after another until the 94 minutes is up.

It’s almost a shame to reveal the actors associated with the film, but name them I will. In first position, offering a few chuckles and an almost credible performance is John C. Reilly as, well it’s not going to help his career if I tell you, so I’ll leave it at that. Will Ferrell plays the mall magnate with a glint in his eye and a new slim silhouette (I liked him better slightly chubby). Will Forte is a demented sword shop owner (imagine the brain power it took to come up with that), and William Atherton, as Schlaaang’s top henchman looks suitably demented and impotent. But my sadness is reserved primarily for Robert Loggia as Tommy Schlaaang. I’ve loved Loggia since the first time I saw him in a Disney film in the early 60s and now my worry is that when I think of him in the future it will be associated with this film.

It is no surprise, given the vast amounts of self indulgence, that Heidecker and Wareheim directed, wrote and acted in this film or that the creators of “Funny or Die” (Will Ferrell, Andy McKay and Chris Henchy) were producers. Initially more surprising was that Mark Cuban signed on board to finance, especially given his litigious nature, but then no one has, of yet, found a way to sue over poor taste, so I guess he’s as out of luck as we are, unless he can find a way to sue himself. I hope the Mavericks do better than this film will.

It is unclear whether the film will get an R rating for content or an NC rating because it’s Not Comedy.

Opening March 3 at the Nuart in West L.A.

Neely also writes a blog about writers in television and film at http://www.nomeanerplace.com

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