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Saint Nick comes clean to the Easy Reader
by Dan Bialek
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Jolly Old Saint Nick. Photo courtesy Tri Marc Imagery |
This week, the Easy Reader went to the Manhattan Village Mall to interview the most recognizable secular icon of the holiday season, the jolly round man in red himself, Santa Claus.
Easy Reader: How can you be in so many malls at once?
Santa Claus: Well, I use a form of cell division similar to mitosis.
ER: Do you like the Manhattan Village Mall, is it a good one?
SC: Yes. It’s a great mall.
ER: Are the kids in Manhattan Beach naughty or nice? The adults? The city council members?
SC: The kids are basically good, and the adults are all right. I’ve yet to meet any of the city council members.
ER: How many elves do you have?
SC: Oh, I have way too many to count.
ER: What’s the hardest part of your job?
SC: Making 1- to 3-year-olds happy when they’re on my lap. Babies are the easiest to make laugh, they’re a piece of cake.
ER: What’s the most rewarding part?
SC: Getting to see the innocence of children firsthand.
ER: What are kids asking for this year?
SC: A lot of Razor scooters, Thomas wooden trains, Poochi the mechanical dog. One child even asked for an extra one for his real dog.
ER: What do you do during the off-season?
SC: I spend most my free time hibernating like the bears do, and when I’m awake I play cards with Frosty the Snowman.
ER: What types of toys don’t you give out to kids (e.g. machine guns, live pet dinosaurs, dictatorships in third world countries)?
SC: Well, there’ve been no gun requests. Nothing of the John Wayne Republican nature so far. But, I don’t make any commitments to anything that I find questionable.
ER: Who’s your favorite reindeer?
SC: Prancer, he’s the best.
ER: Speaking of reindeer, what talents does Rudolph really have besides a glowing red nose that make him so qualified to lead your sleigh?
SC: He’s able to lead, and he gets the job done. I understand that an argument can be made that his only special attribute is his glowing nose and not much else. Sometimes we reward the most beautiful rather than the most talented in our society. It’s sad, but it’s just a prevalent part of human nature.
Santa Claus will be available for pictures, photos, and philosophical musings at the Manhattan Village Mall’s Center Court from now until New Year’s Eve. Hours Monday through Saturday are 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. to 8 p.m.; Sundays 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. He said he will extend his visiting hours closer to the Christmas holiday. ER